Factspert: Classification of the Undead

Resident Expert: Daniel Roberts of East London

The term “undead” covers a plethora of creatures. The purpose of this article is to classify them for easy recognition and sensible, well informed discussion.

THE ZOMBIE
First generation undead. The most basic form of reanimated dead tissue. Survives on pure instinct and cannot be reasoned with.
LIKES: Brains, flesh, moaning, walking badly.
DISLIKES: Impacts to the cranium, decapitation and fire.
TO DESPATCH: The traditional method of zombie-termination is to cause a major head wound by gunshot, axe or similar tool. In voodoo, salt was typically used as a defensive measure. By forcing salt into the mouth of the zombie the human side would immediately gain control and consciousness would be returned. Traditionally Haitian zombies weren’t actually dead people and often the zombie was merely a human in deep hypnosis. Fire and decapitation are useful in defense though removal of the head or destruction of the brain is the most effective.
CREATED BY: Zombies originate from Haiti and are created by Voodoo Witchdoctors (I Walked With A Zombie). They have also been seen to be created through chemical spills (Return Of The Living Dead), bio virus (Resident Evil, 28 Days Later), scientific interference (ReAnimator, Shockwaves, Plan 9 From Outer Space), supernatural literature (The Beyond, City Of The Living Dead) as well as unknown sources (Night Of The Living dead, Shaun Of The Dead).
Most zombies are lumbering slow moving, passive cretins and are often slaves under the control of a higher intelligence (Plague Of The Zombies). The Italian variety are especially slow moving and cumbersome. Since the early '90s zombies have become far more animated and appear to be less pissed off.
Recent films such as 28 Days Later and Dawn of The Dead have shown zombies to be physically adept and strong. However this trend is not a new invention. The 1980 film Nightmare City had zombies armed with weapons and able to move with pace.

THE ZOMBOID
Where the reanimated dead (zombic) tissue has been aided with cyborg attachments. This genus is underused despite enormous potential. Notable examples include Robocop.

THE NAZI ZOMBIE (NOMBIE?)
Featured mainly in the low budget film “Shockwaves”, these super soldiers are in fact reanimated Nazis. Seemingly unstoppable, these far-right fiends possess incredible swimming and frowning powers.

THE 'HORROR EXPRESS' ZOMBIE
The film features a bizarre climax in which Kosaks are killed by having their minds sucked out of their eyes by an alien. The Alien, in the throes of death, reanimates all the corpses to march on the survivors in the last compartment. Notable purely because Telly Savalas is one of the zombies.

THE VAMPIRE
The first truly cinematic vampire was Nosferatu (1922). The word actually means “undead”.
The vampire is by tradition a blood sucking supernatural creature that sleeps by day and stalks by night. They also have the power to turn into animals such as bats and wolves as well as mist. Although the legend is that they only bite young buxom virgins this is inconsistent with the treatment of vampirism as a disease. Certainly the burning of corpses and the isolation of victims implies this, though the link to sexuality and menstruation is there for all to see.
The bald Max Schreck Nosferatu-style vampire has made several appearances and his rat like face supports the link with disease. First seen in 1922, then in the 1979 remake and then loosely in Salem’s Lot as “The Master”, the bald ugly Vampire bares a closer resembelance to the intended supernatural creature than the handsome interpretations of Bela Lugosi, Christopher Lee and Frank Langella.
LIKES: blood, night, most animals
DISLIKES: holy/running water, stakes in the heart, silver, sun, garlic, hawthorn, crucifix/crosses, fire
TO DESPATCH: The most effective method is hammering a stake through the heart of the vampire. Though there have been several other solutions, burning the vampire is the most effective alternative. Tools such as the crucifix , garlic and hawthorns are used as defense rather than destruction.
In some European villages the practice of burying the dead in such a way as to stop relatives returning as vampires was performed. This involved burying the corpse face down, mouth filled with garlic and a crucifix around the neck. Whether this actually works is debatable.
As far as the dead community is concerned the vampire is sexist of all the undead. Whereas the traditional stumbling zombie can be anyone and any shape the vampire is often reserved to slim attractive males or buxom, long haired women. When was the last time you heard of a fat vampire?
A recent fad for vampires is to adopt black leather clothes and greasy hair. They also appear to be well off yet desire secrecy, though a homeless street life would doubtless provide ample cover and food for the discerning vampire.

THE VAMPOID
Sadly under-used cyborg-aided blood suckers.