tethysia

2007-04-06T14:48:00.000Z

There's nowt but spam round these parts nowadays.

Pimp my picture

2006-11-11T01:07:00.000Z

I pimped someone's picture.

2006-10-15T20:11:00.000Z

New Blog for all the house. Probably a bit more grown-up and less self obsessed than this one.

Other things

2006-10-10T20:23:00.000Z

I like. Just in case you were wondering.

See the Strange Fascination website. I went to a great gig of theirs in Befnall Green. There are photos of me on there too in case you're only interested in me.

Reading Ashley's new(ish) blog is like eating a whole 4-portion tiramisu with cream in one sitting, which is something I've also done recently.

I've been wondering if I should go protest about nuclear weapons. And just in case you care, I was wondering before yesterday.

Someone sent me a lovely drawing of some boats today. It made my day.

The Man

2006-10-10T19:57:00.000Z

is who I work for now. Well, a medical journal really (I redraw and style their pictures) but you know the drill, it's all 9-5, Mon-Fri. So I got a job and neglected my blog. What a cow. However, as an absolute shock, I like it! I get to play with Illustrator all day. I have enough energy (and eventually enough cash) to enjoy my evenings, weekends and lots of days off to the full. But I've joined the rat race. Crikey.

As you can probably tell from the image above I've decided to start using other people's pictures in this thing as well as my own. It reduces the pressure to come up with something pretty each time I want to post so I might be on a bit more often. And it means that I can post about shit other than myself (I said I can, I didn't say I would).

This, however, is by me. I'm compiling a 'wall of fear' for the house featuring everyone who visits; I shove their heads in my new scanner (thanks mum) and add them. There are only 5 now, but it will grow. And grow. You're next.

What else have I been up to? I've got short hair, I've been down Ecclesall Road, I've been round loads of galleries and pubs, I've eaten lots of curry, I've seen a few bands and a few comedians, hung out with friends, yah yah yah...

It won't always be this comfortable and fun. That would be boring.

2006-09-15T17:53:00.000Z

Don't ask

Customer Service

2006-08-25T13:17:00.000Z

This isn't one of those consumer nonsense blogs, this blog is about ME, ME I tells ye. Mwahahahaha. However, I must tell you about a lovely man I spoke to yesterday from Sainsburys with whom I set out to solve a mystery. Favourite moments from the conversation are

Me "I've got a can of Sainsbury's Ravioli, and in the ingredients it says it contains Persil"

Lovely man "That's very funny"

LM "Can I put you on hold for a moment. I'll try and get to the bottom of this. Someone might have done it as a joke, or it might be a misprint."
Me "Ok."
LM(after putting me on hold listening to daft recipe ideas - "why not try throwing on a handful of Sainsbury's porridge oats for a delicious cruncy topping?") "Does it say Parsley anywhere in the ingredients?"
Me "No! You've solved it!"

LM "I can assure you on behalf of Sainsburys that there is no Persil in our Ravioli"

Lovely man is going to keep me updated with the progress of this investigation. This followed yet another terrible telephone conversation to Wanadoo, who we are dumping as our internet service providers as of today. Because I'm writing this from a net cafe, and because I've been coming here for a month. Shitehawks.

Alphabetti blogetti

2006-08-10T20:20:00.000Z

Thinking of doing a new blog with the above title, but so far I've only done 'F'.

Me, some cows and an angel

2006-08-07T13:53:00.000Z

Festivities

2006-08-04T10:27:00.000Z

Maker Festival was a great laugh. Here are a few snaps I managed to grab thanks to Joe's camera (which was kindly offered once mine had succumbed to sand invasion).

This is Greg, who arrived an hour late on stage due to a heavy night in the bunker caffy (the flagged tent shown above - a nightclub made by friends from a war bunker). He allowed to do a couple of songs for the gaggle of kiddies and parents who were by this point gathered for the story-telling. The delayed story-teller introduced him with "Does everyone know what happened during Tommy Coopers last ever gig? Well, here's Greg to re-enact that for us!"

Of course the Northerners were down to complete the cycle of cultural exchange that has been the theme of this summer. Here's Tets on Saturday (the rainy day) at the local gig regatta, and after that a shot of me being a Cornish diva taken on Rumplewaynekin's (for it is as such that Wayne/Fernando is now to be known) phone.

Camp.

I've returned to London and have almost instantly found, enjoyed and done with the things that I missed most. I've seen the lads - neither of them too pleased or at all disappointed to see me - the curry house, my large bed, my guitar. The street feels enclosed, the house feels sturdy and static, which it is in comparison to the boat I stayed in last night or the tents that rustled around me over the weekend. London is a machine to which I have returned one tiny unessential element, slotted back in to place.

I miss the roaming already and the vast expanses of sky and sea and the importance of tide, time and weather which don't matter here. I made a few decisions while I was away - I want more chances to explore the country, in particular I have decided to learn to drive as soon as I leave London - I want to live somewhere where I can go and see the sun rise and set. I want to spend more time outside and learn how to do practical things rather than sitting around analysing - I want to use power tools, pick wild plants for purposes, take deep breaths.

Despite all this it will be good to be back. I always like a change. I look forward to taking the city on again safe in the knowledge that it will not last forever.

I spend so much time thinking about the problems facing friends, mostly boys, the ones who take so much to heart and don't seem to know how to let things go. Of course to me it seems simple and though I can see and understand the pain it is as though they just need to lessen its weight and let it float away. Situations are suspended elements which seem different when you air them, lighten them, shake them, burst them or let them dissolve into calm mundanity. Of course my own problems rarely appear to me in the same shapes, and explaining theirs as such would not help them in the slightest.

London feels heavy tonight. A noisy and threatening drug dealer was shouting abuse into his telephone as we approached the city. I locked the door and checked it again. A police siren is going for it full blast outside. The air is dense with lives all around. I haven't missed this at all.

Bowlie Promotional Bollocks

2006-07-21T14:34:00.000Z

I did this poster for those swines at bowlie. I quite like the web banner I delivered but it won't show properly here for some reason, although it's on the website itself. Do come along to the all-dayer, it looks like it might be quite a laugh.

T'other day a couple of friends decided to bend a big bit of wood by heating it in the box over these steaming barrels of man piss and then clamping them to this board. It was all jolly interesting, although I did smell a bit of wee and smoke when I got to the pub a bit later.

Dave and I went to Tintagel and Bostcastle, where the Witch's museum is fully restored after the flood. This made me very happy as I'd always enjoyed it and there's still a certain spookiness to displays featuring voodoo dolls, bits of hair and skin and a goat's head. There's also a lot shared with the mysteries in The Da Vinci Code (which I was reading at the time) and the kind of day-to-day witchcraft that you encounter round here, like the luckiness of 'hag stones' - naturally holed stones like the one I'm wearing round my neck at the moment.

Really though, all I've been doing is lying on the beach, reading and working in the pub. Bloody lovely month. I'll be back in London soonish. As soon as I can afford the train fare.

Beach Graffiti

2006-07-08T07:47:00.000Z

When the sun isn't shining, you've got to make your own fun.

Flaming relief

2006-06-25T18:18:00.000Z

I don't tend to blog about music as I'm not terribly 'with it'. Particularly since being marooned far from the monsters of MTV, Top of the Pops (bye bye TOTP) and the NME and such like for the last year or two. But this week due to a lot of good fortune (not one but two free days at the Wireless festival in Hyde Park) I have had a week of joy and discovery.

The man who you see here walking over the festival crowd in an inflated ball is called Wayne and he is wonderful. I wandered in to Hyde Park quite late for Friday's musical offering and sat myself down on the grass, thinking I'd read my book through the Flaming Lips as I'd only heard them once or twice a long long time ago and judging by the state of Wednesday's support acts (particularly Dirty Pretty Things - how we yawned) I wasn't going to be wowed until I got Massively Attacked later. Then some people walked onto the stage; a crowd of people, some dressed as aliens, some as Santas, some as inflatable spacemen, some as superheros. They put this Wayne into an inflatable ball and sent him strolling over the gathered trendies.

By this point I was up and heading for the assembled hordes (I'm a sucker for a stageshow) and in their company I remained as he returned to the stage and the band, along with their costumed groupies, made my week. My mum would have liked it, she loves audience participation. She's off to see Forbidden Planet for the millionth time soon. They only played a few songs but they made them count. Their version of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' (I cringed - you can't do Bohemian Rhapsody! - but it turns out you can) in honour of England's world cup campaign was so good that by the end I was yelling along in spite of myself. A nun puppet sang the encore to that song about Yoshimi and the robots. I "yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah"d when asked if I'd let everyone in the world work hard so I could sit on my arse; I'm not sure I would, but then I'm not sure I don't anyway and it's what the backing vocals say. I got showered with confetti and bubbles.

Not many people at this 'festival' dance. I think they're worried about getting sweatstains on their designer boho festival outfits or pulling a hair extension. Needless to say I have strained all of my dancing parts and pulled at least one of my smiling muscles. To think that I was worried about going to such an event on my own. I met a very friendly banker, a gang of stoned kiwis and a robot who sang Frank Sinatra but even without them I was in a ludricous kind of heaven.

Then I felt a bit ill. Since I've been feeling a bit ill I've been playing with vector graphics; not quite successfully yet, but getting there.

An idea

2006-06-19T00:16:00.000Z

For an art project to sell these as postcards. Any feedback would be really appreciated. What do you think?

Cornwall Rocks

2006-06-18T21:08:00.000Z

These rocks were arranged by a dear friend on this beach

on the sunny day when I saw this wildlife (and a fox!)

Cornwall is my refuge by the sea. Aside from the obvious - lack of traffic, human and other; open spaces; sea and sunshine - there is something else that calls me there which is just as beautiful. It is the call of home, of friends who won't bother to judge you on appearance, finances, intellect or coolness, of making things for the sake of it, of exploring places I have seen a hundred times and still finding something new and amazing. I am rejeuvinated by it.

That said I couldn't stay there for the winter without something enormous to occupy the cold dull days. It is a summer place. So I've decided to go back for a bit. Well, for July. Do visit.

Dibnah

2006-05-30T19:45:00.000Z

Here's a wallpaper I did for my friend's computer which features a bunch of his favourite bands. The bloke in the middle is the geezer from The The. I'm quite proud of that bit.

This weekend I attended the beer and pie festival at LH1. It was rather spectacular, particularly the opening ceremony in which the host's hand was nearly severed by a firework. He was pointing it out of a window at the time.

There was much beering, pieing, singing and roundering, all accompanied by lots of applause, banter and more beering. The Southern minority did rather well as Jon and I came second in the pie competition despite the meat-free content of our effort. Jon also stole a girl's hair, but I shan't put that photo up until he's approved it as he looks a rayt numpty. The event has been superbly summarised in a blog entry by a man who goes by the name of Fernando. http://lower-hundall.blogspot.com/2006/05/bob-battles-to-victory.html He's the one tormenting the small boy trying to take a turn at rounders in this picture.

And here's the winner receiving his tankard from (Doctor) Dave, who has since decided to devote his life to becoming Fred Dibnah.

Absurdly it didn't snow this time, so I'm thinking maybe next time I visit I won't take my winter gear. I would like to thank the hosting nation (and the host himself) for their hospitality, and the young people of LH1 for chanting abuse at him with such enthusiasm.

Arty vanity picture

2006-05-14T22:39:00.000Z

Back to the future

2006-05-14T21:16:00.000Z

Haven't blogged for a while but I've been working hard, finished the boat project thing and can now reveal the logo I did for them...

It's my birthday on Tuesday and while I was off work ill on Wednesday I made a giant flux capacitor which was revealed at my and Dan's party last night...

to which we invited three of the ghostbusters.

Here's the invitation, minus the address.

It was a great night and thanks to everyone who came.

Tappity tappity thankyou for calling

2006-04-12T20:14:00.000Z

I swore never to work in a call centre again. I have broken the golden rule. To cheer us all up here are all the positive sides to my new job:

1. I get to meet up with my old mate Jeremy, who I have missed a lot as he's one of those few terrific men with whom I share a collection of uniquely odd memories and a connection that could only be fashioned from such absurdity, distraught and sunshiny bliss. I would feel bad parading him on my blog without his express permission had he not mentioned me by name in a couple of newspaper interviews last year.

2. From the end of next month I will be able to pay all my bills. Which means any freelancing fees can be spent on fun. I could even 'go out' occasionally.

3. No, no that's it.

I've got a design job on the go which is going to take it out of me over the next week or so, and I'll probably be pulling a couple of all-nighters to get it done in time, but oh the joy of designing and escaping the tappity tappity may I put you on hold for a moment tappity tap.

I'm a stranger here myself

2006-04-05T22:16:00.000Z

Imhotep refuses to listen to Ashley's fashion tips.

Today our American guest Ashley and I ventured out of East Ham for the first time in a while and explored the many wonders of the British Museum. It's just great to see all those wonderful artefacts that our great nation has pilfered over the years.

A beautifully warm sun watched us weave our way on the tube to Tottenham Court Road (and the giant Freddy Mercury which she photographed for her mum). As I couldn't give her any local information on the areas through which we passed on the district line we decided to use a little imagination and before long found ourselves admiring Nelson's arm-paralysing graffiti, the small hedge in which Darwin first discovered his love for nature and the site of Shakespeare's favourite rugby club in all West Ham.

The first historical revelation of the day came from Ashley who spotted ancient Egyptian Playstation symbols in an elabourate door decoration.

Later I found the perfect costume for the 2006/07 New Year's fancy dress party.

And tiring though it was on our feet we persevered through various continents and ages until it was all too much and the sunshine beckoned us to the steps to guess the nationality of a thousand excited tourists.

It's My Last Week in Sofaland

2006-04-04T18:46:00.000Z

I've got a job in the call centre of an executive car company. Yeah, get me. I need the money. It's a nice place with friendly people and the hours are handy (no nightshifts) so I'm optimistic. I start next week.

For mothers' day Em and I went down to Cornwall to paint pottery with our Mum. The results were a beautiful vase by mum which now sits in my room, a decorative plate by Em and a jug by me. I covered myself in paint. After painting we went to a Barbican tea rooms (one that was very Withnail and I), read the menu for ten minutes then sidled out for some chips. Mmmmm Chips.

I don't have much news other than all that. I'm working on a couple of projects I can't really put here, although one is creating a logo and promotional materials for a gorgeous boat so that's very exciting.

Top Fives I

2006-03-21T02:34:00.000Z

I've just watched High Fidelity again and have decided that top fives are the way to go. To start here are the top five reasons why it's a total nightmare trying to find your way as a recently qualified graphic designer in London.

1. There are hundreds of thousands of you. You're in the pub - look around you. One out of every fifteen people there is a graphic designer (this rule may not apply in the Overdraft Tavern where at least twelve of them probably list their occupation as 'thug' or 'professional drunk').

2. Agencies won't touch you with a bargepole. Their clients pay them a fortune to hire someone with a videophone and shoes that cost more than your car who uses terms like 'interfacing' without giggling and strangles puppies for fun at the weekend. Probably.

3. Many, many people in London are wankers.

4. Without experience you can't get a job, without a job you can't get experience. Do you see the problem here? If you'd just take a damn look at my portfolio, if you'd just meet me and see how friendly and enthusiastic I am you wouldn't doubt for a second I can do your job. I can do the job!

5. Smallville. Ok, that's just a reason why I find it difficult to motivate myself to leave the telly and go hunt for jobs, but I'm sure I'm not the only one.

So here's the new gameplan - I'm going to take some mindless position, preferably in a nice shop selling nice things but probably behind a telephone for a couple of weeks until that comes along. Then I'm going to spend every spare second of my time printing out examples of my work and sending them to random companies whose designs I like. Then I'm going to use days off to tour design companies with my portfolio and be forcefully friendly to the reception staff until someone, even if it's the janitor, looks at it.

Give me two months. Then we'll think again.

More than Wads

2006-03-13T22:47:00.000Z

At the weekend I visited 'The North'. I had never been before and was therefore a little wary of the possibility of it being 'grim'.

The weather was indeed so. I have yet to be convinced that it doesn't snow all year round. Dave tells tales of times when he has been 'sweltering', but if this is so I suspect it applies only to one freak afternoon of his childhood. Or perhaps 'sweltering' means something else up there. Like the innuit have a heap of words for snow, perhaps Dronfieldians employ a hundred unusual phrases for 'a bit bloody nippy'.

Fortunately, apart from the temperature, Dronfield is not grim. It is quite pretty, full of pubs and apparently populated by Dave's mates, cool looking old men and sexy young mums. Having enjoyed a little of all the above it was with a substantial hangover that we set off for the (un?)enviable task of nettle picking for a beersperiment. We were thwarted by the nettles, who stubbornly refuse to grow until spring. I don't blame them. So we headed to Castlesomething and drove around some peaks and then collapsed in front of the television.

It was a weekend of 'worst ever's on music television, the most objectionable of which was the 40 Worst Ever Number Ones in which American F-list nobodies slagged off the lyrical content of their least favourite chart toppers.

"You want me to blame it on the rain? Uhm heLLO! Take some responsibility"
"Is it me you're looking for? Ew, creepy"

We spent an enjoyable hour or two shouting abuse at them all, mostly because about half the songs weren't that rubbish. I find it very sad that anyone in this day and age can still hold anything against Mmbop. And Extreme did good harmonies. And I'm Too Sexy was ironic. Ok, I'm really sad.

Sunday night saw us haul our curry stained selves down to the local for live music and diplomatic negotiations. Chris Waddle's absence had driven Tetley to an alchohol-fuelled frenzy of dancing and heckling, leaving me, Dave and Wayne to build bridges between North and South, lad and lass, LH1 and PL11.

The ambassador for Crafthole donates a highly decorated traditional firemaking instrument to the people of LH1. Chris Waddle is not present.

On the bus home nobody speaks English and I fall asleep to the babble of a world of dialects mumbling into their mobiles. I arrive in London and it's bitterly cold. It's grim up everywhere.

Se7en

2006-03-05T17:00:00.000Z

Wood has 'tagged' me with some questions.
Don't laugh, it's your go next.

Seven things to do
Get a design job before I run out of money, learn to forage for food and grow my own vegetables, learn Spanish and spend a few months in South America, volunteer for something, buy some space, write an album or novel or children's book or the like.

Seven things I can’t do
Drive, keep a tidy bedroom, wear nickel (I'm allergic you know), settle in one place for a long time, snowboard (but oh I want to learn now I've seen Colin Jackson having lessons as part of the Olympic coverage), bake a cake (or even light a gas oven), understand what's so good about Predator.

Seven things that attract me to my mate
Two of them would be his thighs, and one would be his ethics. I shan't put those in order of importance or tell you any more (I can't post things I haven't even told him) but there are lots more than seven.

Seven books I love
The dictionary, Ian McEwan's a child in time, Willie Russel's the wrong boy, Antoine de Saint Exupery's le petit prince, all my graphic design books whose names I can't remember because they're still on the way back from new zealand, JD Salinger's catcher in the rye, Big Willy's hamlet.

Seven things I say
"Have fun", "Yeah yeah yeah", "I want a goat and you can't eat it", "pint of guinness please and some bacon fries", "do be quiet you silly little man", "where have I put my cocking ...", "Shut up, I'm adorable".

Seven movies I’ve loved
Casblanca, Mary Poppins, The Sound of Music, Bright Young Things, Dancer in the Dark, Withnail and I, O Brother Where art Thou.

Seven people to tag
Dan, Saz, Sharon (I assume someone's probably tagged her first though), Dave, Sue, Emily (start a blog Emmalou!), someone else. Now let's see who really reads this.

Poster for HDIF

2006-02-25T00:17:00.000Z

Two days of snow, and I've only left the house once. What a wuss. I've spent these two days doing projects to try and get a job and this poster for Ian at HDIF.

The future from the bus window

2006-02-23T18:57:00.000Z

The bus is 45 minutes late. Bring into the equation that I was 45 minutes early to pick it up and you've got a really cold girl. On the top deck I'm behaving like your stereotypical inhabitant of England 2006 - tapping on my laptop, tuning in to itunes and about to attempt a sudoku. I've done some bingy drinking over the weekend and eaten both take-aways and health foods. I'm some sort of cliché. I suppose one day I'll look back on these things and think how cute it was, once the pain in my back from arranging myself over a bus-seat has long since passed and the torturous combination of high heels and a backpack have been abandoned as ridiculous. One day this contraption will be as naff as the vhs player is becoming. One day the word naff will be obsolete. One day I'll be in a retro club wearing this very outfit to a '2000s' night.

There isn't anyone very interesting on the bus, which is nice as I'll get some sleep later but a bit dull as I can't have a giggle at other people's conversations. On the way up here last time I got a horde of Plymothian metalhead fantasy-gamers. They were discussing who they did and didn't like in 'the guild' and spoke highly of some 'world of warcraft' in which they were engaged. Is this what I would have become had we had broadband when I was at school?

Now safely back in Cornwall. That's Plymouth behind. Boo.

Ham

2006-02-19T15:49:00.000Z

In two weeks I will be moving in to a house in East London with two of my favourite people; Daniel T. Odyssey and Jonathan Moriarty (once Roberts and Dear). In honour of this joyous union I am lazily scrapping together a comic strip into which we occasionally churn the hilarity of our days. The style is somewhere between the Tweenies and South Park.

L-R Dalek, Me Jon and Dan, and Saz who is the outgoing inhabitant of the room that I shall think of as 'Waz's Room' even when I've been in it a year. I have incredibly stylish shoes to fill as her replacement chez Clem and hope she has a ball in her new gaff.

Some people have asked why on earth I would want to live in East London, let alone East Ham. I'll admit it hardly has the happy buzz of the great outdoors but for me it is uniquely fun. The man shouting 'Wigglies' outside East Ham market, milky tea and eggs at hungover cafe, raiding the pound shop, Primark's £4 bin; these are a few of my favourite things.

Not to mention my darling friends and their extensive video, DVD and computer game collections.

For the sake of all things good

2006-02-16T13:23:00.000Z

would someone please give me a JOB!

I am a whizz with Photoshop, Illustrator and InDesign and I can use Quark and Freehand. I am enthusiastic and approachable and co-operative and creative. Tell all your friends. Tell them to tell their friends. Somebody, somewhere has got to want to employ me.

...back to France

2006-02-13T23:51:00.000Z

On Saturday we went to cheer on Sheffield United in their yawn-inducing battle with Plymouth Argyle, who geographically I ought to support but don't because I don't like Plymouth and went to my least favourite school across the road from their ground. It was my first football match for over five years and in-keeping with every bloody one I've ever bloody seen it was a dull bloody draw.

Fortunately the gaggle of chavs surrounding us provided ample entertainment. Directly in front was a very cheerful pillock whose mouth had clearly been bashed in a good many times, and who sported a 'SUFC' tattoo across the back of his neck. Further forward another group was headed by a man who insisted on flapping his arms to taunt the opposition, a move which was utterly inexplicable unless he was making a comment on the abundance of seagulls at Home Park.

A little further along the edge of the Argyle supporters' area was lined with prepubescent Burberry-clad janners, who SUFC-man swore at and (in what must be a gesture of chav etiquette) exchanged mobile numbers with to text-arrange a ruck for later on. We chanted the name of the club; they retorted that we've "only got one song"; we sang about greasy chip butties; they called us dirty northern bastards. Seagull-man told them to 'Fuck off back to France'. All highly entertaining.

On Sunday we went to the Eden project. It's still bloody brilliant. They've got a new educational bit including a cool hydroponics area which looks very sci-fi. Last time I went I had never visited Asia but I can now confirm how Malaysia-y the Malaysia part is and that the Indian section is indeed very Indian. Dave was most impressed by a plant that smelled like a brewery, and almost refused to leave it.

I haven't sent any Valentine's day cards and I shan't get any so I think I'll get pissed and sing along with the jam night in Millbrook.

Another messenger conversation with no-one

2006-02-08T23:12:00.000Z

This photo is from a cool walk I took with the dog earlier. I was listening to Bjork and dancing and singing away to myself. I hope this is what being old is like, it rocks.

Tricia: Hello
Tricia: I'm michael bay
Tricia: my film, Pearl Harbour, sucked more than I miss you
***'s status is now "Idle". (08/02/2006 22:52)
Tricia: Idle? If I'd spent time 'idle' I'd never have made hits like 'Bad Boys 2' and 'The Rock'
Tricia: It's my bedtime soon
Tricia: Curses. No literati before bedtime. Michael Bay want Scrabble. Michael Bay not happy.
Tricia: Michael Bay kill off tall northerner in next explosive action movie.
Tricia: Michael Bay get Sean Bean on phone.
Tricia: Oh Bollocks

Cliff and the young ones.

2006-02-06T19:14:00.000Z

I have been put to shame by Dan's prolific posting. He is blogging for England while I struggle to put a paragraph together to describe what's been going on lately.

I had a cold this week and that sucked, particularly as it meant I couldn't go NLPing. I expect I picked something up in London, maybe at the gig. I'm still not quite used to how many people there are up there in the big smoke.

The G. Flyers are the first thing to have jerked me out of my design lull for a few weeks, only to do a bit of boring technical stuff but it's worked. I have been putting off jazzing up my CV for a long time but I almost feel like trying now (I said almost, lets not get ahead of ourselves). Not only that but I started talking about it to a lady at the pub who now wants me to give her some photoshop lessons, and we were overheard by another mate who now wants me to revamp his logo. All this along with the tattoo for Carl, a wall adornment for Dave, ideas for boat identity stuff for Daz and a few other projects should keep me busy until I get a proper job that pays money. I just have to start. But not right now, eh?

Being back in Cornwall is brilliant. It has smells and sounds that are all its own. Yesterday Carl and Sally (Millbrook Sally not Cawsand Sally) and I went for the finest of my recent walks. We went down the cliff to Tregantle Beach at high tide and climbed over rocks all the way to Sharrow Point (this is quite a long way), performing impressive stretches, wobbling determinedly at dangerous heights and slipping into the occasional rock pool. On the way we passed the wreck of the drug boat that ran aground about ten years ago, a huge old rusty buoy and a grotto with a poem carved into wall. We picked interesting pieces of driftwood and ended up at the pub slightly soggy and quite exhausted. Getting pissed was followed by an open fire, tempura, Gangs of New York and falling asleep on the sofa. Absolutely brilliant.

2006-01-30T21:07:00.000Z

Another weekend of excess in London was well worth it for the glorious sounds of the Gresham Flyers (see Sharon's blog below right, I can't link for toffee), a European lake of Guinness and a go on Saz's keytar. I'm now back home in Cornwall trying to get myself in order. It's not easy. It's not been an orderly year.

Her head stops

2006-01-19T14:18:00.000Z

As I haven't designed much in 2006 here is something I did a while back, an album cover (minus the words).

In 2006 I have, however, done these things:

seen the hollywood sign from a plane window
learned loads about buddha and what he said
made a man buy the worst t-shirt in the world
abstained from talking, drinking, smoking etc. (thankfully this is over)
been blessed by a catholic priest
dueted as madonna with a gorgeous labour councillor
learned to make text on my blog bold and italic
hollowed out the centre of an andy mcnabb book
meditated until love shot out the top of my head
sunbathed and later had an asthma attack from the cold
seen glowworms glowing over a little stream

I'll be in London again next weekend if any of youse b**t**ds want to meet up, attending my first ever gig of those famous Gresham Flyers.

Frank

2006-01-08T05:14:00.000Z

Due to a family death I shall now be returning earlier than planned. The man who died is my mum's boyfriend, Frank. He was a lovely man who brought a lot of happiness into her life and will be sadly missed by us all. He died suddenly in a motorbike accident and did not suffer.

I am very grateful to have known Frank and for the wonderful time he and my mother shared. He was one of the most enthusiastic and helpful people I have ever met and they complemented each other perfectly. Among other things I shall miss hearing him enthuse about his adventures, bantering with him about his/my dodgy taste in music (depending on which side you were on), scabbing lifts with him (as much for the experience of riding the motorbike as for getting to my destination) and watching him amuse my mother with his quirks and jokes.

I land in London on Tuesday and will be back in Cornwall that night. Anyone fancies visiting me there I'll be down for the rest of January and quite a bit of February and would love to see you. I'll try visiting London whenever I can.

Yeah, yeah, the cow is back

2006-01-07T03:30:00.000Z

There were beans lots of beans lots of beans lots of beans
lots of beans lots of beans lots of beans lots of beans
beans lots of beans lots of beans lots of beans
some lentils and some tofu.

I'll tell you all about it some time when my mind returns.

New Yrrrrr

2005-12-22T06:22:00.000Z

Me in my old job as a student. Graphic design nerds will notice that the sign behind us has a widow. l-r Kelly Clarkson (no, seriously), hardworking student, glorious leader (this is our tutor Heather, she rocks), Maiko, Jason and Katalena Falalalalalalalalatule

Hello bloggies

The opening of my results and the return of my portfolio, which is currently winding its way around Auckland in the boot of someone's car, occurred yesterday to much caffeine and hugging. While it was nice to know I have officially passed it was disappointing to learn that I had dropped a grade in my bloody portfolio from the mid-year assessment (B+ and top of the class to a boringly average B) and that I narrowly missed out on an award. I would be wracked with self-doubt but I just can't be arsed, though I am very curious as to what went wrong between the two assessments. It was wonderful to learn that three of my classmates got awards (there was one in particular which was not expected by work's current chauffeur and I am so pleased for her) and that our portfolios were generally considered to be of a high standard.

I've mostly been sitting about on my arse since the course finished, which will all change tomorrow with the last minute shopathon. On Sunday it is Christmas with Soofoo and on Tuesday I head off for the vipassina meditation. Idleness of the body has prompted hyperactivity of the brain and a couple of hours ago I had decided I wasn't going. After all, there's only a month left in this country and so much sun and scenery to enjoy why shut myself away for a third of it? But looking at the website I'm going to go after all. I've wanted to do something like this for a long time and I don't know when I will next have the time or the motivation. Unlike Maharaji's knowledge it does not require that I spend months of preparation watching videos, unlike trying to revive my TM it will be conducted in an environment where I will have no distractions or excuses to cop out. If it's a load of old bollocks there'll still be plenty of time to observe sheep and sunbathe on the way home.

I'm really proud of this picture. It was for the front cover of my bowlie mix but due to my unforgivable lack of organisation I missed out on getting it printed in school so the poor recipient will have to wait until I get back to receive the outer part of his parcel. It was also the front cover for my bastard portfolio (this is the last time I shall bitch about my portfolio before bitterness ages me prematurely) and was apparently well received. Go on, click on it and look at it all big. Thanks.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE and see you next year xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

(edit 26.12, sorry I can't get the comments to show at the moment, not sure what i've done wrong but do keep commenting, it'll be a nice surprise and in the meantime you can select the text to see what people have said)

2005

2005-12-16T12:47:00.000Z

Unaccustomed as I am to blogging while drunk (and for very good reason) I feel I ought to state that I have finished the course that I came here to do. I am sad to leave it behind but glad that I got through it. I am no longer a student or a receptionist. I am something new and exciting and I shall choose what that is in the new year. Many many many thanks to those that have brought this about and helped me through it.

No tinsel

2005-12-15T09:37:00.000Z

Here's the blighter.

Tomorrow is my last day of school. I've finished all my work. I can't even begin to think about that right now.

It seems the job I went for last week never existed. I suspect the guy at the record shop may have just been chatting me up due to my fantabulous taste in music. So I'll be looking for work for the next 4 weeks but unless I head out of town for some fruit picking my chances are pretty slim.

With this in mind I have confirmed my participation in a ten day vipassana http://www.dhamma.org/ meditation course over new years. It's cheap, it's fulfilling (apparently) and it may get me off the ciggies. I haven't meditated properly since my early teens (mum and dad sent me to transcendental meditation classes when I was 11 - see DK I told you they were hippies) so I'm not entirely convinced I can focus my mind to that degree any more. But seeing as there's no talking, smoking, drinking or telly at this place I doubt I'll have much choice. No talking for ten days! And no reading or writing shit down either. My head will probably explode.

What with that and the eight day NLP practitioner course in february (two days after I get back to blighty) I expect to become a) a well rounded individual, b) one of those boring wankers you see in ashrams and festivals with their heads jammed firmly up their arses or c) bonkers. Or I may continue dipping in to all three and plod along.

Things that have surprised and annoyed me this week include Arnold Schwarzeneggar and classmates who claim to have no money to enjoy a last day together but seem to conduct the rest of their lives spending like mad.

Yeah, they don't have tinsel here. I love the smell of tinsel. Can someone send me a bit?

2005-12-09T08:15:00.000Z

The words on this are the lyrics to 'across the universe'. It's very cheesy, I know, but I need something for the first page of my portfolio.

The course is taking over my life once again, and with only a week to go I guess it has every right. I am really nervous about it. Really scared of fucking up and failing I suppose. I'm trying not to be scared and I don't care what grade I get, but having taken a year, broken up with someone and spent more money than I may ever have again to achieve this I know that failing would be really rather upsetting.

Oh how I am looking forward to seeing you all again. The summer is lovely and I can't wait for January and the things I have planned but sitting in a pub in London or Cornwall with a bunch of my mates has been playing in my mind for a couple of days now.

Self Portrait

2005-12-05T05:24:00.000Z

Q: What's vainer than Trish when she's only got her new software and her photo collection to play with?
A: Very sodding little

This weekend has been rather strange because everyone's getting ready for Christmas by sunbathing on the beach. It's so good to see some colour on these pasty arms. There is a massive terrifying papier-mache style Father Christmas on Whitcoulls (WH Smiths) in town which has a motor in it which winks one of its eyes and bends its pointing index finger. It looks like it should be saying 'Milky Milky'.

Just so you all know now - nobody's getting anything for Christmas. Sorry folks, but I'm a scabby student these days. Those of you who want goodies from NZ can wait until February. It's also pointless for anyone to send me anything as I'll be shipping everything back to England 2 days after the big day. Santa is bypassing my gaff this year and thank goodness, he looks like a bloody great pervert.

Last Summative EVER

2005-11-28T01:13:00.000Z

Not my own artwork on this one I'm afraid, but that of Justin Hampton. This is a spread from my magazine summative which I finished on Friday. Now the only thing left to do which will be assessed is my portfolio. That is 50% of the mark so I'm still working hard.

The end is near, my friends.

Illustrator CS

2005-11-26T08:34:00.000Z

Is the coolest thing ever. It's been working literally five minutes and I already have this VECTOR GRAPHIC of me and Dan to play with. Looks like its time to do the front cover for my round 14 mix. Oh lucky lucky recipient.

Forward

2005-11-26T07:31:00.000Z

Why is it when an ex gets a new girlfriend it's like he's punched you in the stomach? I feel genuinely happy for him and I wish him the best but goddamit it feels like my heart's exploded. This is the third time it's exploded in 2005 and I've been single all year. Fortunately it heals very quickly and it will certainly benefit from the pizza I'm about to order.

Today I went out and purchased Adobe CS2, a student version which I can use for personal projects. Wicked. Except it's taken the last hour and a half to update my OSX, install it and get the updates online (72% done, it says). Once it gets to 100 I will be able to continue to educate myself in the ways of digital graphic design once the course finishes in three weeks. I will also be able to make wizzo posters, CD covers, miniature artworks and nifty greetings cards for all my pals, so get your requests in now my lovelies.

Oooh ooh 76%. I bet you're holding your breath, aren't you.

No pictures right now, but soon you will be inundated I assure you. x

The city is crawling

2005-11-21T06:22:00.000Z

It's been a scary week. One of the tutors told us all our technical efforts aren't up to scratch. Seems we're concentrating too hard on our designs and not getting the file sizes and formats right. I got quite frightened. The idea of failing the course had never occurred to me before and is almost unthinkable now. So, right now I'm concentrating on my technical but feeling a little nervous and disheartened.

Then I got attacked by an insect that was the size of a mobile phone. It appeared up my skirt, bit my leg and then fell out while I was screaming and running up the street. It has been identified by a friend as a weta. Here's a picture of a weta.

Nice, eh?

In better news I have a ticket for the Big Day Out in January, two days before I leave the country. The Magic Numbers, The White Stripes, Iggy and the Stooges and Fat Freddy's Drop are all giving me something to look forward to.

2005-11-16T05:56:00.000Z

Not quite right yet but hell...

Nearly over

2005-11-13T23:55:00.000Z

Here's the blog that disappeared from last week:

It has struck me this week that I have only 5 and a half weeks left on this course. Some more statistics - I have been here 9 and a half months, return to England in 2 and a half months and turn 27 in 6 months. Holy crap.

This week has been brilliant. It's been exhausting as I've had to work really hard (ME? WORK HARD? but I'm on holiday!) and challenging as I've had to come up with things quite quickly, but it has reinforced my appreciation of graphic design. I've been applying myself in a way that I would and will in a job and it's actually fun. I pray that I can get work which will be as stimulating as my coursework - this week I've been doing a logo and some groovy illustrator/photoshop graphics for a travel company and putting them onto a brochure, bus and travel card.

I'm a bit scared of finishing the course. It has been my life for so long and it has moved so quickly I've barely noticed where I am, and now I leave the safety of our classroom and the wise advice of my tutor into a real world where printing costs money and mistakes cost capillaries. Will I get a job? Will I one day get to leave that job and bugger of to South America? Will I like London? Will I want to come back here? Will I remember everything I've learned? The best way to approach this is to assume that the answer to all of these is a resounding YES and plough plough plough.

Here's a list of graphic design mistakes in this post - No use of N dash (can't find it on laptop), no checking for orphans and widows, use of figures instead of worded numbers, gratuitous use of capitals.

2005-10-31T06:38:00.000Z

Two pictures featuring a monster I just invented.

2005-10-30T02:26:00.000Z

An Old Photo

2005-10-30T01:43:00.000Z

This in from 1998...

Meme Machine

2005-10-29T04:33:00.000Z

I suppose this is what a meme is...

Ten years ago
I was 16. I had finally convinced my parents to let me leave Devonport High School for Girls and was in my first few months of my first year at Saltash Comp, wearing my own clothes, talking my own talk and hanging out with boys. I rode a unicycle and listened to Pulp, Supergrass, Dodgy, Garbage, Bjork, 60s stuff. I read Sylvia Plath (for self-pity) and Shakespeare (for school) and drank lots of vodka whenever I could. I had nearly taken up permanent eyelinering (this was finalised the next year when I started dating a goth) and slept beneath a Klimt poster.

My family bought a dog called Eddie who I hated because he ate my shoes. My best friend left DHS to join me at Saltash which was brilliant because I loved her but also a bit crap because I had wanted to do something on my own. Within a couple of years we stopped talking because of an argument of which I have no recollection.

Five years ago
I was 21. I had graduated in the Spring and moved to Cornwall with my boyfriend. We were living in a cottage in Cawsand where I had some bar work and he made jewellery out the back. We had the best house in the world; a gorgeous cottage where we hung pictures we had made ourselves (including one memorable picture which hung in the lounge which was a paint-print of our bottoms) and a beach twenty steps from the door, but we were often unhappy and we split up early the next year. My older friends in the pub would all tell me I should get out of Cornwall, but it was another year and a half before I did.

One year ago
I had left the Channel Islands where I had been a receptionist in a hotel for the summer, gone for a splitting-up holiday in the Netherlands and was on my way to India. I wasn't really prepared for India as I'd only ever travelled on my own to Thailand before, and that had been a piece of piss and huge fun. India is anything but easy and is probably not the place to go to mend a broken heart. It is the place to go if you want beauty, excitement, nerves and diahorrea. I got more than my fair share of all these. I was very excited about the prospect of coming to New Zealand.

Five yummy things
Macaroni Cheese, Malai Kofta, Carl's Noodle Soup, Sushi, My Salads.

Five songs I know by heart
Oh I don't know, Sharon, really. I'd have to try singing them all and I just haven't the time.

Five things I would do with a lot of money
Set up a studio in Cornwall with facilities for sculpture, computer graphics and effects, photography, painting, vegetable growing, live music etc., travel a shitload, buy a bach with some forest in Dunedin for child-rearing, build an orphanage with Shane, pay my court fees after I slap George Bush.

Five places I would to escape to
Iceland, Japan, Djibouti, South America, Portugal.

Five things I would never wear
Bright pink. Anything with a big rubbish logo. That's about it.

Five favourite TV shows
Spaced, Black Books, The Office, Partridge, Eastenders.

Five things I enjoy doing
Drinking and bullshitting with my best friends, making things, singing, leaving places, beachcombing.

Favourite toys
Laptop, camera, keyboard, effects pad, pens, bouncy shoes.

Five people who get this 'meme'
Oh, must I?

Sunshine of my life

2005-10-26T01:12:00.000Z

I am rejeuvinated finally by sunshine, and I'm going to turn the blog yellow.

This week I'm designing vodka packaging, and I'm going to turn that yellow too. I can't believe the joy that the sun brings out in me. It's actually making me doubt my return to England, and someone suggested to me earlier this week that I become a tefl teacher and continue travelling which would make fantastic sense were it not for my new passion for design. I'm going to give London at least six months and then decide (these six months should get me up to September so I'll hopefully get some sun in that time anyway) what to do. I'm looking forward so much to spending all my spare time with my friends but I'm also aware that the travel bug has infected me and that the sun will be calling me by autumn.

I had a creative block last week. I didn't turn up for school one day which was very unlike me but utterly necessary. It's become clear that I'm done with Auckland and I'm going to spend the next three months soaking up the sun and saying a happy goodbye. Thanks Auckland, you're a pal, but you ain't no Whitsand Bay. x

Long

2005-10-18T23:50:00.000Z

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (58 letters) in Wales is supposed, according to some, to be the longest place name in the world. However I read in an article this week that New Zealand beats it with Tetaumatawhakatangihangakoauaotamateaurehaeaturi
pukapihimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuaakitanarahu which has 92 letters.

The website linked above, however, claims that there is a name in Thailand which pummels both of them, and it's Bangkok. Or as it is otherwise known, Krungthepmahanakornamornratanakosinmahintarayutthayamahadilokphop
nopparatrajathaniburiromudomrajaniwesmahasatharn
amornphimarnavatarnsathitsakkattiyavisanukamprasi (163 letters).

This week I have been planning my trip back to London (6 letters). I should be with you Brits at the end of January due to restrictions on my return flight. I'll have been out of the country for a whole year. Has it changed much? Anyone fancy a pint?

South Island Adventures

2005-10-11T02:18:00.000Z

Last week I was away from the computer in the South Island with my visitor from England, Dave. If any of this description gives you a mental picture of our travels please scatter this image with sheep for increased accuracy.

We started off in Christchurch where we were entertained by fearless doofi eating maggoty cheese on the telly and picked up our car. Driving down to Lake Takapo we got our first taste of the gobsmacking scenery of the south; beautiful turquoise lakes framed by spring-green trees, hills and distant snowcapped mountains. Takapo itself was gorgeously quiet and had a few skimmable stones, and soon enough we were happy to doze around a few pints and a seafood basket.

The next day's long picturesque drive took us via Oamaru, where heritage (woman in Victorian dress) and Scottishness (man in kilt) were on display and we got our first chance to not see a penguin. We then went to see the boulders at Moeraki which were laughably unimpressive compared to everything else we'd seen and truly undeserving of the throng of tourists who followed us down. Once we arrived at Dunedin it all got reet good again.

Dunedin city centre is just like Edinburgh and is very studenty. The kid serving in Subway is the most depressed boy in the catering industry and he sighs between questions and pouts deeply over your every decision. The peninsular is beautiful, with an albatross colony at the end (you can't see the colony but the albatross do a flyovver for the tourists every now and then) and a couple of duney penguin-spotting beaches which are thankfully great fun to explore even when the penguins do a no-show. Fucking penguins.

We went to visit a very Dutch man who makes damascus steel knives and Dave enjoyed many pies. We toured the Speights brewery where I got a near-fatal attack of the giggles during the 'Southern Man' promotional video. I bought some jelly beans from a cornershop with "Can I have some jelly beans please?" "How many do you want?" "Oh just a little bag" "They're five cents each" "Oh, okay, well can I get um... some...?". Eventually I got a carefully counted bagfull but should have learned my lesson and been better prepared when the next day I ordered fish and chips on the road - "How many chips do you want?". Very precise these South Islanders. And sullen.

As we bid a fond farewell to Dunedin by scaling the steepest street in the world (there is a certificate to prove this) I guessed that we were probably finally immune to being blown away by the scenery but Milford Sound proved me wrong. The snow melting in to pretty waterfalls down the high mountain walls, the spooky tunnel and the grand forested chasms made it the most enjoyable drive of the whole trip and we weren't disappointed when we had to go back through it due to lack of accommodation at the Sound itself. We stayed that night in Te Anau by another beautiful lake.

Queenstown was all about action. We gondolad, we luged, we got wankered on delicious vodka cocktails in a bar made of ice and we flew the 'flybywire' around a valley. Dave bought a PSP. I bought a scarf. All good. On the way out up to Fox Glacier we visited a brilliant puzzleland where the highlight was a room tilted to one side. Our perceptions imbalanced we were both very very freaked out by a child leaning towards us on a wonky step and his mother was clearly amused as we edged away from him and proceeded to fall down the room into the wall, laughing like a right pair of tits.

The weather in Fox Glacier was appalling, worse apparently than it had been all winter, but was made bearable by the promise of the massive hot-tub spa in our room. The glacier itself was damn interesting and much more fun than a sun-loving sofa-surfer like myself could have guessed. Dave seemed to enjoy his birthday despite being really quite old and many cheesy photographs were taken. Here is just one...

And back to Christchurch via the snowyest path around, racing to get the car back in time and listening to Nick Cave rattle on about killing lots and lots of people and counting the word 'motherfucker'. 8 in 'Stagger Lee' if you were wondering. We passed through Sheffield so Dave could grab a pie. In Christchurch we bought Swanndris and got drunk by accident in an Irish bar before nodding off in the least smelly hotel room we could find.

2005-09-27T05:26:00.000Z

Procrastination

2005-09-25T06:22:00.000Z

A list of things I have done today instead of tidying my room:

Read my book
Thought about my childhood
Thought about what to do with the next six months
Considered doing an open university course, briefly researched it and sent an email for advice
Smoked a heap of cigarettes and drunk coffee
Chatted on msn with Ashley
Danced around my room to the Pogues
Tried on a dress and experimented with hairstyles while dancing around my room to the Velvet Undergroud
Danced around and exercised to Jimi Hendrix, Beck and the Prodigy (the latter being rather exhausting)
Explored the digital radio stations on itunes including 60s hits and a psychadelic station which sounded like BBC sound effects
Watched Grosse Point Blank
Plucked my Eyebrows
Showered for a ridiculously long time with occasional musical interludes including 'Moon River'
Read an article about sloganeering in politics
Ate cottage cheese on toast even though I don't like it and wasn't hungry
Paid attention to the dog

With only two hours to go until Kill Bill 2 I am thinking face mask, leg shaving and maybe some washing up. This room really is a mess.

More Old Work

2005-09-24T04:42:00.000Z

These are entries I made to a calendar competition which I didn't win. It could have been kind of irritating to have to revive them for my portfolio but the little pride I have is getting easier to swallow with age.

8 pieces down, 2 to go. Of course the ones remaining are the ones needing the most work, but I'll get there some time this week I'm sure.

Collecting Old Work

2005-09-22T05:15:00.000Z

Having to get together my old work and put it into a portfolio for a mid-year presentation (for which my presence is thankfully not required) is leading me to realise just how much I have and haven't learned. I'm able to use programmes and design things I could never have done six months ago, and yet I look at my stuff and it still seems so studenty. I wonder when my portfolio will become something I can show to prospective employers with pride. Possibly after our industry applications later in the year.

I've gotten far too serious there with the prospective employers malarky. As someone wonderful reminded me earlier in the week, its not all about the nine to five boring career-making corporate life. It's about everything else, in fact.

This week I have been mostly overexcited about the holidays, but I hate to jinx things so you'll hear about them later.

Queen Street, Auckland

2005-09-14T09:58:00.000Z

is where I am spending most of my time, working away. Very very very busy.

Earlier this week I was gobsmacked by the playing field in Victoria Park. Don't look at grass for too long if you're considering the enormity of the universe. It had recently been cut and its scent was heavenly and warm. There were so many gorgeous juicy blades repeating over and over beneath my flip-flopped feet. The summery dusk light made it feel like those heartstopping moments of peace you get when you're alone on holiday and the world is so beautiful and you've no-one to tell but yourself. A braver girl with less people around would have thrown herself on to it, but I just slipped off a shoe for a bit. Maybe next time.

I will probably be far too busy to continue the doodles that have littered this page in recent weeks, so I will be grateful to anyone kind enough to submit a 'factspert' to keep this page jumping.

As you can see below my t-shirt design is up for voting on the threadless site. The site has been fixed and you can reach it by clicking on the picture below so do get on there and give me a 5 and an 'I'd Buy It' if you're a member or if you want to become one (and buy the t-shirt if and when it gets made - you know it makes sense).

Life is a lot of fun right now. Work is challenging, the weather is improving again and I am having one of those weeks when ideas pour out of me like I'm a broken bottle. Dan and I are conspiring to do something marvellous, Jon and I are conspiring to do something marvellous, Dave's nearly here and Chris is hopefully on his way. Finally and very importantly...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH CARTER!

2005-09-09T04:22:00.000Z

2005-09-07T03:56:00.000Z

Factspert: Classification of the Undead

2005-09-06T12:41:00.000Z

Resident Expert: Daniel Roberts of East London

The term “undead” covers a plethora of creatures. The purpose of this article is to classify them for easy recognition and sensible, well informed discussion.

THE ZOMBIE
First generation undead. The most basic form of reanimated dead tissue. Survives on pure instinct and cannot be reasoned with.
LIKES: Brains, flesh, moaning, walking badly.
DISLIKES: Impacts to the cranium, decapitation and fire.
TO DESPATCH: The traditional method of zombie-termination is to cause a major head wound by gunshot, axe or similar tool. In voodoo, salt was typically used as a defensive measure. By forcing salt into the mouth of the zombie the human side would immediately gain control and consciousness would be returned. Traditionally Haitian zombies weren’t actually dead people and often the zombie was merely a human in deep hypnosis. Fire and decapitation are useful in defense though removal of the head or destruction of the brain is the most effective.
CREATED BY: Zombies originate from Haiti and are created by Voodoo Witchdoctors (I Walked With A Zombie). They have also been seen to be created through chemical spills (Return Of The Living Dead), bio virus (Resident Evil, 28 Days Later), scientific interference (ReAnimator, Shockwaves, Plan 9 From Outer Space), supernatural literature (The Beyond, City Of The Living Dead) as well as unknown sources (Night Of The Living dead, Shaun Of The Dead).
Most zombies are lumbering slow moving, passive cretins and are often slaves under the control of a higher intelligence (Plague Of The Zombies). The Italian variety are especially slow moving and cumbersome. Since the early '90s zombies have become far more animated and appear to be less pissed off.
Recent films such as 28 Days Later and Dawn of The Dead have shown zombies to be physically adept and strong. However this trend is not a new invention. The 1980 film Nightmare City had zombies armed with weapons and able to move with pace.

THE ZOMBOID
Where the reanimated dead (zombic) tissue has been aided with cyborg attachments. This genus is underused despite enormous potential. Notable examples include Robocop.

THE NAZI ZOMBIE (NOMBIE?)
Featured mainly in the low budget film “Shockwaves”, these super soldiers are in fact reanimated Nazis. Seemingly unstoppable, these far-right fiends possess incredible swimming and frowning powers.

THE 'HORROR EXPRESS' ZOMBIE
The film features a bizarre climax in which Kosaks are killed by having their minds sucked out of their eyes by an alien. The Alien, in the throes of death, reanimates all the corpses to march on the survivors in the last compartment. Notable purely because Telly Savalas is one of the zombies.

THE VAMPIRE
The first truly cinematic vampire was Nosferatu (1922). The word actually means “undead”.
The vampire is by tradition a blood sucking supernatural creature that sleeps by day and stalks by night. They also have the power to turn into animals such as bats and wolves as well as mist. Although the legend is that they only bite young buxom virgins this is inconsistent with the treatment of vampirism as a disease. Certainly the burning of corpses and the isolation of victims implies this, though the link to sexuality and menstruation is there for all to see.
The bald Max Schreck Nosferatu-style vampire has made several appearances and his rat like face supports the link with disease. First seen in 1922, then in the 1979 remake and then loosely in Salem’s Lot as “The Master”, the bald ugly Vampire bares a closer resembelance to the intended supernatural creature than the handsome interpretations of Bela Lugosi, Christopher Lee and Frank Langella.
LIKES: blood, night, most animals
DISLIKES: holy/running water, stakes in the heart, silver, sun, garlic, hawthorn, crucifix/crosses, fire
TO DESPATCH: The most effective method is hammering a stake through the heart of the vampire. Though there have been several other solutions, burning the vampire is the most effective alternative. Tools such as the crucifix , garlic and hawthorns are used as defense rather than destruction.
In some European villages the practice of burying the dead in such a way as to stop relatives returning as vampires was performed. This involved burying the corpse face down, mouth filled with garlic and a crucifix around the neck. Whether this actually works is debatable.
As far as the dead community is concerned the vampire is sexist of all the undead. Whereas the traditional stumbling zombie can be anyone and any shape the vampire is often reserved to slim attractive males or buxom, long haired women. When was the last time you heard of a fat vampire?
A recent fad for vampires is to adopt black leather clothes and greasy hair. They also appear to be well off yet desire secrecy, though a homeless street life would doubtless provide ample cover and food for the discerning vampire.

THE VAMPOID
Sadly under-used cyborg-aided blood suckers.

September? Already?

2005-09-06T07:06:00.000Z

I'm quite pleased with those last few pictures. Then again, I'm always pleased with new projects before I've had time to get bored of them and gradually start to hate them. Coming soon; Factsperts... essential information on all sorts of things you never knew you needed to know. Basicly, I'll be compiling information from various experts and editing it into a userfriendly glob of trivia.

2005-09-06T05:11:00.000Z

2005-08-29T02:46:00.000Z

Victoria Park, Auckland

2005-08-28T03:37:00.000Z

Today is beautiful. It is so sunny and clear, warm with a cool spring breeze. The air is scented with sea and grass and city.

In the park earlier I passed a bagpipe band (playing something nicely dancy and unscreechy) and then an open area around which there were lots of people standing. In the centre there were a couple of men doing something, and from a distance the amount of tracksuits, caps and cool haircuts congregating near the graffiti covered bridge posts made my heart leap at the prospect of actually seeing one of those dance-offs that breakdancers do in music videos and movies. After all, they were all standing around the edges watching one or two people performing in the centre.

As I got closer I realised that in fact these were petanque fanciers bowling for all their balls were worth. And so I continued to my shopping with a desperate urge to pop some robotic moves on their supermarket asses. Upon returning home I found the site linked above which is brilliant and which I shall be incorporating into my daily dancing round the house routine. I hope to be able to moonwalk by October.

Pictures for HDIF

2005-08-26T05:01:00.000Z

Decisions decisions

St Mary's Bay, Auckland

2005-08-21T22:06:00.000Z

A tree in St Mary's Bay that is, not a bay tree belonging to St Mary. Its nearly spring now and there are some fabulous blossoms all over the shop. You may notice that I'm a bit of a tree fanatic.

The sun is shining and I am scheming all sorts of schemes. This place would just be perfect if I had a companion or housemate to share things with, someone to get me going to a few gigs and share the summer sun. Plus there's the Big Day Out in January and weekends away at Waitomo and Taupo still to enjoy. Hmmm....

Conversation with Sleeping Man

2005-08-19T10:44:00.000Z

tricia says: (9:34:58 pm)
   Hi. Another late one for you I see

tricia says: (9:43:46 pm)
   or perhaps you've just left your computer on.

tricia says: (9:52:28 pm)
   Yes. Thats what you've done. Maybe you're slumped over it with your unconcious dribble spilling over the keyboard. Maybe you'll wake up and the space bar will malfunction from overgob.

tricia says: (10:05:42 pm)
   Maybe your computer is smiling down at you, its electronic gaze filled with the love of a young nurse for her wounded hero.

tricia says: (10:09:40 pm)
   It slows down its processor and calms its fan to hear your snore, and it feels at peace, as though it could pull out all its plugs and lie there with you forever.

tricia says: (10:12:34 pm)
   I've got a blog now by the way. http://tethysia.blogspot.com/

2005-08-18T12:25:00.000Z

Ponsonby, Auckland

2005-08-17T12:18:00.001Z

I've been here since April doing the design student thing, which is all good. The city is gorgeous, the weather is great - sunshine to keep my spirits perky even in the dead of winter and heavenly heavy rain - and the sushi and coffee are splendid. Many of the people are weirdly up their own arses but I suppose they feel they have a right living in the country's closest thing to a bustling metropolis. The main pedestrian crossings in the city centre can be traversed diagonally which still gives me a thrill.

I've been on the internet a lot recently. The friends I have here are unreliable and (though absolute darlings) are unlikely to remain friends once I hop the island, so its been good to rabbit away and get rambles, sarcastic quips, gossip and other such things a girl can miss when she's far from her boys.

The saleswomen here are terrifyingly assertive - shop assistants seem eager to assist, bank tellers tell you what you should do, even the Dunkin Donut woman has a spiel. No wonder everyone back home hires kiwis, they're customer service crazy. I've heard that Japan is even worse and that you have to swipe them away like flies. I look forward to finding out one day.

The clothes here are great - there are loads of good second hand places. Weird, then, that the local dress is unbelievably dull - black black black and lots of girls with the uniform of cowboy boots over jeans under overlong tshirt under oversized belt, livened up only by the occasional Asian fashion student flouting her stuff. Thank god for her. There are some 'alternative' types who shop here http://www.illicithq.com/ and with Misery, the fantastic designer who has the shop next door. She does wonderful dresses, I'll have to find you a picture. Mine are still the only flares I've seen since I've been here.

Study is like anything, it has its ups and downs. I love the course but I've been getting a little lazy lately. I'm even more lazy when it comes to getting a social life. I get invited to things but it all seems the same. I'm down to one night out most weeks. There are some great djs playing trendy music in trendy little bars around the place but I'm craving a live gig, banter or hard grog. I know, I know, its all down to me, and if I got my act together and went to something I'd probably meet more like-minded people. I know.

Ignore me. Things are quite magical really, I'm here for exactly the right amount of time (mind you I could have done with moving the whole thing on a few months to get the real summer heat) and I have an outstanding visit from Dan, a backpacking jaunt in Northland and some cool Auckland days to look back on. And another 4 and a half months to go!