tethysia

2007-04-06T14:48:00.000Z

There's nowt but spam round these parts nowadays.

Pimp my picture

2006-11-11T01:07:00.000Z

I pimped someone's picture.

2006-10-15T20:11:00.000Z

New Blog for all the house. Probably a bit more grown-up and less self obsessed than this one.

Other things

2006-10-10T20:23:00.000Z

I like. Just in case you were wondering.

See the Strange Fascination website. I went to a great gig of theirs in Befnall Green. There are photos of me on there too in case you're only interested in me.

Reading Ashley's new(ish) blog is like eating a whole 4-portion tiramisu with cream in one sitting, which is something I've also done recently.

I've been wondering if I should go protest about nuclear weapons. And just in case you care, I was wondering before yesterday.

Someone sent me a lovely drawing of some boats today. It made my day.

The Man

2006-10-10T19:57:00.000Z

is who I work for now. Well, a medical journal really (I redraw and style their pictures) but you know the drill, it's all 9-5, Mon-Fri. So I got a job and neglected my blog. What a cow. However, as an absolute shock, I like it! I get to play with Illustrator all day. I have enough energy (and eventually enough cash) to enjoy my evenings, weekends and lots of days off to the full. But I've joined the rat race. Crikey.

As you can probably tell from the image above I've decided to start using other people's pictures in this thing as well as my own. It reduces the pressure to come up with something pretty each time I want to post so I might be on a bit more often. And it means that I can post about shit other than myself (I said I can, I didn't say I would).

This, however, is by me. I'm compiling a 'wall of fear' for the house featuring everyone who visits; I shove their heads in my new scanner (thanks mum) and add them. There are only 5 now, but it will grow. And grow. You're next.

What else have I been up to? I've got short hair, I've been down Ecclesall Road, I've been round loads of galleries and pubs, I've eaten lots of curry, I've seen a few bands and a few comedians, hung out with friends, yah yah yah...

It won't always be this comfortable and fun. That would be boring.

2006-09-15T17:53:00.000Z

Don't ask

Customer Service

2006-08-25T13:17:00.000Z

This isn't one of those consumer nonsense blogs, this blog is about ME, ME I tells ye. Mwahahahaha. However, I must tell you about a lovely man I spoke to yesterday from Sainsburys with whom I set out to solve a mystery. Favourite moments from the conversation are

Me "I've got a can of Sainsbury's Ravioli, and in the ingredients it says it contains Persil"

Lovely man "That's very funny"

LM "Can I put you on hold for a moment. I'll try and get to the bottom of this. Someone might have done it as a joke, or it might be a misprint."
Me "Ok."
LM(after putting me on hold listening to daft recipe ideas - "why not try throwing on a handful of Sainsbury's porridge oats for a delicious cruncy topping?") "Does it say Parsley anywhere in the ingredients?"
Me "No! You've solved it!"

LM "I can assure you on behalf of Sainsburys that there is no Persil in our Ravioli"

Lovely man is going to keep me updated with the progress of this investigation. This followed yet another terrible telephone conversation to Wanadoo, who we are dumping as our internet service providers as of today. Because I'm writing this from a net cafe, and because I've been coming here for a month. Shitehawks.

Alphabetti blogetti

2006-08-10T20:20:00.000Z

Thinking of doing a new blog with the above title, but so far I've only done 'F'.

Me, some cows and an angel

2006-08-07T13:53:00.000Z

Festivities

2006-08-04T10:27:00.000Z

Maker Festival was a great laugh. Here are a few snaps I managed to grab thanks to Joe's camera (which was kindly offered once mine had succumbed to sand invasion).

This is Greg, who arrived an hour late on stage due to a heavy night in the bunker caffy (the flagged tent shown above - a nightclub made by friends from a war bunker). He allowed to do a couple of songs for the gaggle of kiddies and parents who were by this point gathered for the story-telling. The delayed story-teller introduced him with "Does everyone know what happened during Tommy Coopers last ever gig? Well, here's Greg to re-enact that for us!"

Of course the Northerners were down to complete the cycle of cultural exchange that has been the theme of this summer. Here's Tets on Saturday (the rainy day) at the local gig regatta, and after that a shot of me being a Cornish diva taken on Rumplewaynekin's (for it is as such that Wayne/Fernando is now to be known) phone.

Camp.

I've returned to London and have almost instantly found, enjoyed and done with the things that I missed most. I've seen the lads - neither of them too pleased or at all disappointed to see me - the curry house, my large bed, my guitar. The street feels enclosed, the house feels sturdy and static, which it is in comparison to the boat I stayed in last night or the tents that rustled around me over the weekend. London is a machine to which I have returned one tiny unessential element, slotted back in to place.

I miss the roaming already and the vast expanses of sky and sea and the importance of tide, time and weather which don't matter here. I made a few decisions while I was away - I want more chances to explore the country, in particular I have decided to learn to drive as soon as I leave London - I want to live somewhere where I can go and see the sun rise and set. I want to spend more time outside and learn how to do practical things rather than sitting around analysing - I want to use power tools, pick wild plants for purposes, take deep breaths.

Despite all this it will be good to be back. I always like a change. I look forward to taking the city on again safe in the knowledge that it will not last forever.

I spend so much time thinking about the problems facing friends, mostly boys, the ones who take so much to heart and don't seem to know how to let things go. Of course to me it seems simple and though I can see and understand the pain it is as though they just need to lessen its weight and let it float away. Situations are suspended elements which seem different when you air them, lighten them, shake them, burst them or let them dissolve into calm mundanity. Of course my own problems rarely appear to me in the same shapes, and explaining theirs as such would not help them in the slightest.

London feels heavy tonight. A noisy and threatening drug dealer was shouting abuse into his telephone as we approached the city. I locked the door and checked it again. A police siren is going for it full blast outside. The air is dense with lives all around. I haven't missed this at all.

Bowlie Promotional Bollocks

2006-07-21T14:34:00.000Z

I did this poster for those swines at bowlie. I quite like the web banner I delivered but it won't show properly here for some reason, although it's on the website itself. Do come along to the all-dayer, it looks like it might be quite a laugh.

T'other day a couple of friends decided to bend a big bit of wood by heating it in the box over these steaming barrels of man piss and then clamping them to this board. It was all jolly interesting, although I did smell a bit of wee and smoke when I got to the pub a bit later.

Dave and I went to Tintagel and Bostcastle, where the Witch's museum is fully restored after the flood. This made me very happy as I'd always enjoyed it and there's still a certain spookiness to displays featuring voodoo dolls, bits of hair and skin and a goat's head. There's also a lot shared with the mysteries in The Da Vinci Code (which I was reading at the time) and the kind of day-to-day witchcraft that you encounter round here, like the luckiness of 'hag stones' - naturally holed stones like the one I'm wearing round my neck at the moment.

Really though, all I've been doing is lying on the beach, reading and working in the pub. Bloody lovely month. I'll be back in London soonish. As soon as I can afford the train fare.

Beach Graffiti

2006-07-08T07:47:00.000Z

When the sun isn't shining, you've got to make your own fun.

Flaming relief

2006-06-25T18:18:00.000Z

I don't tend to blog about music as I'm not terribly 'with it'. Particularly since being marooned far from the monsters of MTV, Top of the Pops (bye bye TOTP) and the NME and such like for the last year or two. But this week due to a lot of good fortune (not one but two free days at the Wireless festival in Hyde Park) I have had a week of joy and discovery.

The man who you see here walking over the festival crowd in an inflated ball is called Wayne and he is wonderful. I wandered in to Hyde Park quite late for Friday's musical offering and sat myself down on the grass, thinking I'd read my book through the Flaming Lips as I'd only heard them once or twice a long long time ago and judging by the state of Wednesday's support acts (particularly Dirty Pretty Things - how we yawned) I wasn't going to be wowed until I got Massively Attacked later. Then some people walked onto the stage; a crowd of people, some dressed as aliens, some as Santas, some as inflatable spacemen, some as superheros. They put this Wayne into an inflatable ball and sent him strolling over the gathered trendies.

By this point I was up and heading for the assembled hordes (I'm a sucker for a stageshow) and in their company I remained as he returned to the stage and the band, along with their costumed groupies, made my week. My mum would have liked it, she loves audience participation. She's off to see Forbidden Planet for the millionth time soon. They only played a few songs but they made them count. Their version of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' (I cringed - you can't do Bohemian Rhapsody! - but it turns out you can) in honour of England's world cup campaign was so good that by the end I was yelling along in spite of myself. A nun puppet sang the encore to that song about Yoshimi and the robots. I "yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah"d when asked if I'd let everyone in the world work hard so I could sit on my arse; I'm not sure I would, but then I'm not sure I don't anyway and it's what the backing vocals say. I got showered with confetti and bubbles.

Not many people at this 'festival' dance. I think they're worried about getting sweatstains on their designer boho festival outfits or pulling a hair extension. Needless to say I have strained all of my dancing parts and pulled at least one of my smiling muscles. To think that I was worried about going to such an event on my own. I met a very friendly banker, a gang of stoned kiwis and a robot who sang Frank Sinatra but even without them I was in a ludricous kind of heaven.

Then I felt a bit ill. Since I've been feeling a bit ill I've been playing with vector graphics; not quite successfully yet, but getting there.

An idea

2006-06-19T00:16:00.000Z

For an art project to sell these as postcards. Any feedback would be really appreciated. What do you think?

Cornwall Rocks

2006-06-18T21:08:00.000Z

These rocks were arranged by a dear friend on this beach

on the sunny day when I saw this wildlife (and a fox!)

Cornwall is my refuge by the sea. Aside from the obvious - lack of traffic, human and other; open spaces; sea and sunshine - there is something else that calls me there which is just as beautiful. It is the call of home, of friends who won't bother to judge you on appearance, finances, intellect or coolness, of making things for the sake of it, of exploring places I have seen a hundred times and still finding something new and amazing. I am rejeuvinated by it.

That said I couldn't stay there for the winter without something enormous to occupy the cold dull days. It is a summer place. So I've decided to go back for a bit. Well, for July. Do visit.

Dibnah

2006-05-30T19:45:00.000Z

Here's a wallpaper I did for my friend's computer which features a bunch of his favourite bands. The bloke in the middle is the geezer from The The. I'm quite proud of that bit.

This weekend I attended the beer and pie festival at LH1. It was rather spectacular, particularly the opening ceremony in which the host's hand was nearly severed by a firework. He was pointing it out of a window at the time.

There was much beering, pieing, singing and roundering, all accompanied by lots of applause, banter and more beering. The Southern minority did rather well as Jon and I came second in the pie competition despite the meat-free content of our effort. Jon also stole a girl's hair, but I shan't put that photo up until he's approved it as he looks a rayt numpty. The event has been superbly summarised in a blog entry by a man who goes by the name of Fernando. http://lower-hundall.blogspot.com/2006/05/bob-battles-to-victory.html He's the one tormenting the small boy trying to take a turn at rounders in this picture.

And here's the winner receiving his tankard from (Doctor) Dave, who has since decided to devote his life to becoming Fred Dibnah.

Absurdly it didn't snow this time, so I'm thinking maybe next time I visit I won't take my winter gear. I would like to thank the hosting nation (and the host himself) for their hospitality, and the young people of LH1 for chanting abuse at him with such enthusiasm.

Arty vanity picture

2006-05-14T22:39:00.000Z

Back to the future

2006-05-14T21:16:00.000Z

Haven't blogged for a while but I've been working hard, finished the boat project thing and can now reveal the logo I did for them...

It's my birthday on Tuesday and while I was off work ill on Wednesday I made a giant flux capacitor which was revealed at my and Dan's party last night...

to which we invited three of the ghostbusters.

Here's the invitation, minus the address.

It was a great night and thanks to everyone who came.

Tappity tappity thankyou for calling

2006-04-12T20:14:00.000Z

I swore never to work in a call centre again. I have broken the golden rule. To cheer us all up here are all the positive sides to my new job:

1. I get to meet up with my old mate Jeremy, who I have missed a lot as he's one of those few terrific men with whom I share a collection of uniquely odd memories and a connection that could only be fashioned from such absurdity, distraught and sunshiny bliss. I would feel bad parading him on my blog without his express permission had he not mentioned me by name in a couple of newspaper interviews last year.

2. From the end of next month I will be able to pay all my bills. Which means any freelancing fees can be spent on fun. I could even 'go out' occasionally.

3. No, no that's it.

I've got a design job on the go which is going to take it out of me over the next week or so, and I'll probably be pulling a couple of all-nighters to get it done in time, but oh the joy of designing and escaping the tappity tappity may I put you on hold for a moment tappity tap.

I'm a stranger here myself

2006-04-05T22:16:00.000Z

Imhotep refuses to listen to Ashley's fashion tips.

Today our American guest Ashley and I ventured out of East Ham for the first time in a while and explored the many wonders of the British Museum. It's just great to see all those wonderful artefacts that our great nation has pilfered over the years.

A beautifully warm sun watched us weave our way on the tube to Tottenham Court Road (and the giant Freddy Mercury which she photographed for her mum). As I couldn't give her any local information on the areas through which we passed on the district line we decided to use a little imagination and before long found ourselves admiring Nelson's arm-paralysing graffiti, the small hedge in which Darwin first discovered his love for nature and the site of Shakespeare's favourite rugby club in all West Ham.

The first historical revelation of the day came from Ashley who spotted ancient Egyptian Playstation symbols in an elabourate door decoration.

Later I found the perfect costume for the 2006/07 New Year's fancy dress party.

And tiring though it was on our feet we persevered through various continents and ages until it was all too much and the sunshine beckoned us to the steps to guess the nationality of a thousand excited tourists.

It's My Last Week in Sofaland

2006-04-04T18:46:00.000Z

I've got a job in the call centre of an executive car company. Yeah, get me. I need the money. It's a nice place with friendly people and the hours are handy (no nightshifts) so I'm optimistic. I start next week.

For mothers' day Em and I went down to Cornwall to paint pottery with our Mum. The results were a beautiful vase by mum which now sits in my room, a decorative plate by Em and a jug by me. I covered myself in paint. After painting we went to a Barbican tea rooms (one that was very Withnail and I), read the menu for ten minutes then sidled out for some chips. Mmmmm Chips.

I don't have much news other than all that. I'm working on a couple of projects I can't really put here, although one is creating a logo and promotional materials for a gorgeous boat so that's very exciting.

Top Fives I

2006-03-21T02:34:00.000Z

I've just watched High Fidelity again and have decided that top fives are the way to go. To start here are the top five reasons why it's a total nightmare trying to find your way as a recently qualified graphic designer in London.

1. There are hundreds of thousands of you. You're in the pub - look around you. One out of every fifteen people there is a graphic designer (this rule may not apply in the Overdraft Tavern where at least twelve of them probably list their occupation as 'thug' or 'professional drunk').

2. Agencies won't touch you with a bargepole. Their clients pay them a fortune to hire someone with a videophone and shoes that cost more than your car who uses terms like 'interfacing' without giggling and strangles puppies for fun at the weekend. Probably.

3. Many, many people in London are wankers.

4. Without experience you can't get a job, without a job you can't get experience. Do you see the problem here? If you'd just take a damn look at my portfolio, if you'd just meet me and see how friendly and enthusiastic I am you wouldn't doubt for a second I can do your job. I can do the job!

5. Smallville. Ok, that's just a reason why I find it difficult to motivate myself to leave the telly and go hunt for jobs, but I'm sure I'm not the only one.

So here's the new gameplan - I'm going to take some mindless position, preferably in a nice shop selling nice things but probably behind a telephone for a couple of weeks until that comes along. Then I'm going to spend every spare second of my time printing out examples of my work and sending them to random companies whose designs I like. Then I'm going to use days off to tour design companies with my portfolio and be forcefully friendly to the reception staff until someone, even if it's the janitor, looks at it.

Give me two months. Then we'll think again.

More than Wads

2006-03-13T22:47:00.000Z

At the weekend I visited 'The North'. I had never been before and was therefore a little wary of the possibility of it being 'grim'.

The weather was indeed so. I have yet to be convinced that it doesn't snow all year round. Dave tells tales of times when he has been 'sweltering', but if this is so I suspect it applies only to one freak afternoon of his childhood. Or perhaps 'sweltering' means something else up there. Like the innuit have a heap of words for snow, perhaps Dronfieldians employ a hundred unusual phrases for 'a bit bloody nippy'.

Fortunately, apart from the temperature, Dronfield is not grim. It is quite pretty, full of pubs and apparently populated by Dave's mates, cool looking old men and sexy young mums. Having enjoyed a little of all the above it was with a substantial hangover that we set off for the (un?)enviable task of nettle picking for a beersperiment. We were thwarted by the nettles, who stubbornly refuse to grow until spring. I don't blame them. So we headed to Castlesomething and drove around some peaks and then collapsed in front of the television.

It was a weekend of 'worst ever's on music television, the most objectionable of which was the 40 Worst Ever Number Ones in which American F-list nobodies slagged off the lyrical content of their least favourite chart toppers.

"You want me to blame it on the rain? Uhm heLLO! Take some responsibility"
"Is it me you're looking for? Ew, creepy"

We spent an enjoyable hour or two shouting abuse at them all, mostly because about half the songs weren't that rubbish. I find it very sad that anyone in this day and age can still hold anything against Mmbop. And Extreme did good harmonies. And I'm Too Sexy was ironic. Ok, I'm really sad.

Sunday night saw us haul our curry stained selves down to the local for live music and diplomatic negotiations. Chris Waddle's absence had driven Tetley to an alchohol-fuelled frenzy of dancing and heckling, leaving me, Dave and Wayne to build bridges between North and South, lad and lass, LH1 and PL11.

The ambassador for Crafthole donates a highly decorated traditional firemaking instrument to the people of LH1. Chris Waddle is not present.

On the bus home nobody speaks English and I fall asleep to the babble of a world of dialects mumbling into their mobiles. I arrive in London and it's bitterly cold. It's grim up everywhere.

Se7en

2006-03-05T17:00:00.000Z

Wood has 'tagged' me with some questions.
Don't laugh, it's your go next.

Seven things to do
Get a design job before I run out of money, learn to forage for food and grow my own vegetables, learn Spanish and spend a few months in South America, volunteer for something, buy some space, write an album or novel or children's book or the like.

Seven things I can’t do
Drive, keep a tidy bedroom, wear nickel (I'm allergic you know), settle in one place for a long time, snowboard (but oh I want to learn now I've seen Colin Jackson having lessons as part of the Olympic coverage), bake a cake (or even light a gas oven), understand what's so good about Predator.

Seven things that attract me to my mate
Two of them would be his thighs, and one would be his ethics. I shan't put those in order of importance or tell you any more (I can't post things I haven't even told him) but there are lots more than seven.

Seven books I love
The dictionary, Ian McEwan's a child in time, Willie Russel's the wrong boy, Antoine de Saint Exupery's le petit prince, all my graphic design books whose names I can't remember because they're still on the way back from new zealand, JD Salinger's catcher in the rye, Big Willy's hamlet.

Seven things I say
"Have fun", "Yeah yeah yeah", "I want a goat and you can't eat it", "pint of guinness please and some bacon fries", "do be quiet you silly little man", "where have I put my cocking ...", "Shut up, I'm adorable".

Seven movies I’ve loved
Casblanca, Mary Poppins, The Sound of Music, Bright Young Things, Dancer in the Dark, Withnail and I, O Brother Where art Thou.

Seven people to tag
Dan, Saz, Sharon (I assume someone's probably tagged her first though), Dave, Sue, Emily (start a blog Emmalou!), someone else. Now let's see who really reads this.

Poster for HDIF

2006-02-25T00:17:00.000Z

Two days of snow, and I've only left the house once. What a wuss. I've spent these two days doing projects to try and get a job and this poster for Ian at HDIF.